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Feels the lock about my neck, the chain that I have come to love, locking me to HER bed. Listen for the words, and reply softly I love you too….then hear her hooves  softly step back and down the stairway breathing a moment, slips barefoot to the chair. Drawn ink and quill and tries to make sense of the events of the week.

Watching the fire logs crackle and sparkle as fire fairies are released flutter a moment and are gone up the chimney. Then reminded of the reason, begins to scribe.

I lost so much this week, more than I thought I would  some might think I play poker with my sl friends, weighing heavily on the known factors. But the truth is I don’t need to play it, some things sometimes are predicted. like my girl Cidri pushing and pressing buttons, on a  hopeless attempt to accomplish some plan she’s worked hard on. Only to see the bluff called directly and her collar to unlock and fall. And withstanding the tide of emotions that threatened to loose my calm momentum, seems to new steady task. But weathering that’s storm is something I have done before and saddly  I saw that I had failed to keep her close enough for her to want to stay.

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Upon this torrent of misgivings and generally railing against my own and  most foolish self esteem issues. I of course being me, compounded this with mistaken messages from another current event, that has brought me to realise that should be far more careful in my choices and attempts to enjoy a desire, without paying its consequences. I found to my amazement that I had in fact stood back in perfect timing with the cosmos. Which is a long way to say the balance that I seek, has found its own level to settle at.  So when the final straw fell I stepped back faster than I should. And this on top of all means, I stepped back from the table of desires, three times.  Once from the girlfriends that I desired once. Then a second time  with Cidri…..and to cap it all, the two ladies who I romanced and held, seduced and hoped of, one of which has two owners,a fiance and has been shocked to find that another wants her  at the same point I was about to say ” how do you feel about a threesome?” Yeah it wouldn’t have done down well in hindsight. But at the time I was saved by my own self-esteem issues. So yeah three events all showing me the same thing. I don’t play poker.

But of course even that choice had consequences. One of which was now I add self doubt to the list of insecurities. And in doing so,  I question my motives in the first place. But then the flip side was laying there in my bed looking at the fire and feeling bad for being so stupid as to know and yet not see the point that I shouldn’t attempt to side step the long term plan the cosmos has for me.  And even now I have no idea if I should ask more questions. Or walk away from more than friendship.  But I do know this, unless the desire gets fulfilled, its gonna sit in my mind like a fat angry toad.

Feels the chain tighten, sets the quill aside. Dusts the page and quietly returns to bed, laying back. And listening to the family. Drifts to sleep thinking of a car seat……

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