The moment you sit and just watch, look, listen to your surroundings, you find the overpowering and in some extreme cases the overwhelming urge to vomit. Sitting with coffee, reading the notes from others that keep a weather eye on the situations that surround the core of my life, some items that were predicted do long ago now have come to pass. Other incidences have yet to pass by yet current circumstances force me to a read the most pressing of these notes.
Ashes in the mouth, as the coffee turns cold, and the note is reread time and again, hoping to find in the words some trace of error in its findings. Alas, none is found. And in that moment , a month of planned hopes is dashed. Now we wait to see if the planned rendevue occurs. The aftermath and fallout from the event, will as ever, be the finality of the situation.
To be fair to all concerned, I am trapped with this dilemma, on one hand, if I say nothing, I know and it feels like Betraying the owners of the girls in question. On the or er hand if I speak out, the girls will be embarrassed, and I risk loosing their friendship.
I am forced to return to the first law of Brightflame , to be true to yourself. And that places me in between the rock and the hard place. . Some times I wish that ignorance was truly bliss, but knowing what I know doesn’t bring me any pleasure but more so, it may in the long run return some peace of mind.
The balance is once more evident in the cosmic methods of manipulating my own thought process. And today is no different than others, coming to the battery of tests, at the hospital, seeing the reactions to both brands and scars, is always a tiny pleasure, until the prying eyes view my back. Watching their faces fall as they use the grey matter to put two and two together and make forty. It’s sometimes fun. For example the reaction when you see them work out that the marks on my thigh and Mons are branded not inked, yes branded with a white hot branding iron, they usually pale and then say how brave I must be… Never thinking I was strapped to the bench and may or may not have released my bladder in the process!
But the balance is of course, if they see my back, the reactions are almost always identical. What Started at intrusive intruige, slides quickly into fear, outrage and settles at disgust and finally pity. There is nothing new here for me to see. The faces may change shape, but the reactions are identical. Pity is useless, it has no viable reasoning. In a negative world the charge it aspires to is just short of sorrow. And after experiencing this for a few hunter red tome es you learn in your own way how to deal with those who show it to you. Pity is not to be confused with mercy. But stands alone naked and shivering on the battle fails of emotion.