I`ve been wanting to make this post for a while now. I keep putting it off. One thing or another just divert`s me from it. And sometimes, I sit here looking at the keyboard and loose time just pondering if this is the right thing to do, to post a blog post on families or on the regrets and choices we have made in the past, that form who we are now.
When I was in alcohol land, I`d wander over to the pond at the back of the switch, and sit there just watching the electronic pixilated pond and its surrounding flowers for hours. As my mind drifted to memories both happy and sad. Now I don’t even have that option. So instead, I have found a bowling alley, way up in the clouds, and I sit on the landing pad there and ponder life online.
Todays ” Ponderings ” bring me to the choices and life events that have made the family I am now a proud member of. Oh, I know the family was here before me, and will, I hope, be here long after I`m gone. The short span if my “existence” marked by the passing of time. What else will I leave? My imprint of the family perhaps, my style of doing things remembered with a hatred that burns in the flames of passion on cold nights? A story to tell, others, to fear the banshee woman that haunts your nightmares? Some I hope recall me with fondness, others out of kindness perhaps? The odd item of buildings that show a memory marker in the Sims? In truth, I am unsure how I will be remembered. If at all.
Family, real Family, does not come from your blood, (pun intended, you`ll see why in a bit) or a name or title, it’s the people Standing around you when no one else can or will. In our case they`d probably be swinging the bat and shouting ” ok whose next… ” No family is perfect… we argue we fight. We even stop talking to each other at times, but in the end, family is family… the love will always be there. Having somewhere to go and lay my head is home, Having someone to love and who loves me for being Me, not the image they want me to be. But being ME, that is family, Having both is a blessing, My Mother used to say ” You should never sacrifice three things: your family, your heart, or your dignity.” wise woman My MA, because in this picture, this image in your mind, is My hearts, My dignity, loyalty, respect, my truth. My world and my lust.. My focus and My family.. The Bright flames..
Yesterday I was forced to make a visit to My Queen, and Her new stable home for Our Horde. Another family… Though unlike the Bright flames, where I have fewer people, who I don’t get along with too well, (working progress, I aim to like all, before I end my time in sl) The Scarlet Horde has more than a few that, well to be honest and fair… I openly despise, two at least currently, I would spike and drain and not think twice about destroying (vampire term don’t get upset..)… If I so much as caught them in the open on “BL” land. And three others, I would happily “de rez” for the rest of their mortal lives. BUT that would fly in the face of the families paragraph and ethos….. Because, as Much as these people have earned my despite… And yes, two of them have earned a spot close to hatred.. Which for me is a VERY strong word to ever use… My queen counts them as family and so I must.. Listen to my own words ” No family is perfect… we argue we fight. We even stop talking to each other at times, but in the end, family is family”
As I stated in an earlier post, I have been removing memory blocks regrets and Walls, barriers that have kept my mind in a state of mild panic. Little things that have bugged me, was ranted out against the wind, screamed and spoken out. While images can be displayed in words, the desire to remove regrets and pain that has been caused by others, or by me…. Either through bad choice or questionable paths, that have failed to arrive at the point in space that was with acceptable parameters. And here we have the same philosophy wrapped in the dilemma of my historical mistakes and regrets. From past relationships, that became far more intense than ever was or should have been, to one night stands that lasted long enough to linger. I have analyzed and removed each blocked and muted individual, yes even those i despise.
So what to the future? Some i hate are now to be family….. And with that turn of events.. Comes new understanding. Though old philosophy will suffice to hold the horde together.. and i do not think myself foolish enough to know that I cannot after I click publish on this post ever trust them to be behind me or make a shield wall with me, for they would be foolish not to attack me first. Unlike me, they will not read this post nor will they deem in need to follow the principle of family.,. These assumptions are based on the historical facts that each has presented.
As for me, I`m Hers until She doesn’t want me and auctions me, or i expire.