2015-12-19_11-16-52.jpgFirst thing I want to say about trust is this. Trust comes from your self. No one can make you trust them. We trust others to the extent that we trust ourselves… trust ourselves to make good decisions, to read the other person right. When trust is broken or betrayed, you might feel that it has been so damaged you can never trust again…this happens when a person no longer feels sie can trust hirself to judge others’ trustworthiness correctly. That is a difficult place to be in. It destroys D/s and relationships and hobbles one’s ability to relate to others.

I think there are some ways we can approach trust, though, that make it a more manageable thing. One big tactic is this: listen to your heart. Use what I call “the heart monitor” – that twinge, that feeling that something is amiss – (or a-right). You already come wired with intuition and sensitivies that let you judge the trustworthiness of others, on many levels. It is vital that we develop the skill to listen to ourselves. To listen to our intuition – which is perhaps an energy-based thing, or according to some studies is the reading of 1001 subliminal clues about what messages a person is really sending. However you regard it, it is possible to use your intuition to help create a foundation of trust – i.e. to decide if it is safe to trust someone.

Remember that intuition is not a predictive tool: it is a read in the moment. It is real-time. If you read someone as trustworthy and later they betrayed your trust, I would ask you this: did you check back in on your intuitive read frequently? Or did you scan them once and file that impression away as “the way they are”? If you did the latter, it is easy to miss red flags. Red flags come up frequently in relationships – that heart twinge thing I mentioned. It is absolutely vital that you pay attention to this danger signal. Not the 100th time it happens, but the very first. It is your Self urging your self to notice something that needs to be addressed. If you want to maintain trust you need to address the discordant event that caused your heart to twinge like that.

That is where your communication skills come in. “I have an issue I’d like to discuss…” then you sit and talk about it. This not only keeps your relationship clean, it enables you to kill all the little monsters that otherwise will grow into great large unmanageable monsters that will eat your relationship. <g>
Trust starts with yourself…but there is also this big question: is the person you want to trust, trustworthy? Do they demonstrate that they are worthy of your trust? You want to invest trust where it is worthwhile to do so, of course. There are certain things to look for that help you determine if
someone is worthy of your trust. One big one is: integrity. Integrity comes from the word integral. “Of a whole; of one piece”. Is the person someone who is of one piece? Are their actions consonant with their words?

Do they say what they mean and mean what they say? When actions match words and intentions are clear, there is integrity in behavior. Life interferes with all of our plans, at times; maybe someone says they will call and then they don’t. Once or twice may be understandable – but if there is a pattern of repetitive behaviors that lack integrity (or reliability)…that is a red flag.

Another point is reliability: can you count on someone? Can I count on you to show up for a play party date? Can I count on you to play hard with me and help me get put back together when I’m a snotball crying in the corner, at the end of it all? Will you do what you say you will do, when all is said and done, and can Irely on that? Reliability is closely related to integrity, as you can see.

Honesty is another biggie. Is the person truthful with you? Do they obfuscate, omit or lie in matters big or small? If someone has a difficult time conveying the truth to you there may be many reasons that is so….but in the end, the result is that you will not know if you can trust their word. This not only undermines trust, it makes it very hard to place trust and stay trusting of someone who tells you untruths.

I mediated a dispute between a Master and his slave last year. He was busy insisting he treated his slave with honor, that he was an honorable man. Her problem, however, was that he lied to her about his sexual partnerships, and he continually broke his word. When they fell apart he was baffled: he had treated her honorably (he thought). He never saw that unreliability, lack of integrity, and untruthfulness destroyed the basis of trust the slave needed to be in relationship. When judging trustworthiness it is important to be aware of those elements.

Try an exercise in empathy and turn the mirror around as well. Ask yourself: am I behaving in ways that are trustworthy to my partner? Try to see your actions through your partners’ eyes. This is not an ultimate answer (we all have our filters, of course) but it can be a useful reality check. Also ask: is my partner willing to trust? Or withholding trust? Because that comes from within, you cannot “make” your partner trust you. They must find their way to that place of trust themselves – aided by your trustworthiness.

Now here’s a Stupid Human Trick I will caution you against ” Blind Trust.” Don’t go there. I have it cost me dearly. Subs seem to be wired to be readily vulnerable, and often want to be vulnerable and trusting. We too often give trust where it is not warranted! We hastily decide to trust someone we don’t know anything about, or at least have not seen their trustworthiness demonstrated. Later, when things fall apart we feel our trust was betrayed. But why was it betrayed? Could it be we made a poor choice about whom to trust and how far to trust them? It is often so.

 

Simple Definition of trust

  • : belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

  • trust noun (BELIEF)

  •  the belief that you can trust someone or something:a relationship based on trust and understanding “We were obviously wrong to put our trust in her.”

Honest and open communication is important in every relationship, but when it comes to bondage games it’s a key to have enjoyable and respectful experience. Bondage is a psychological game: part of a thrill is to be in control or to lack control. However, this should never be abused. It is therefore very important to openly discuss with your partner what you want to do and what you don’t. Mutual trust and open communication is very important for all BDSM

Whatever is that you wish to explore and whatever is that you wish to avoid, it’s important to talk to your partner before the act. It’s easy to get carried away during sex or your partner may do something you don’t like at all. For these reasons, open and honest communication before the sexual encounter is important.

The real trust successful S&M relationships are built on trust, indeed it`s a cornerstone of the lifestyle. There is freedom to be found in handing yourself over to someone else entirely, letting go of ego and control.

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