A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet.
Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.
Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, “You mean, lesbian?”
Still without looking up: “Does that mean lick women down below?”
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative.
With that, her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:
“Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!”
Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Heather’s roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of Heather’s sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading her mom’s thoughts, Heather volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
Heather said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So she sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read:
“Dear Daughter, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Suzy, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
“Love – Mum”
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly, then said: “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H… I, J, K.”
She asks: “What does that mean?”
He said: “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.”
She smiled happily and said: “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”
He said: “I’m Just Kidding!”
His eye is still swollen… but it will get better.
* * *’Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?’ the solicitor questioned his client.
‘Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?’
‘Oh, no,’ replied Mrs. O’Connor. ‘Shure now, we have a carport.’
The solicitor tried again. ‘Well, does the man beat you up?’
‘No, no,’ said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. ‘Oi’m always first out of bed.’
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
‘What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have.’
‘Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone grounds.’
‘Mrs. O’Connor,’ the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, ‘you need a reason that the court can consider.
What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?’
‘Ah, well now,’ said the lady,
‘Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.’