Periodically, due to my real life body being flawed, I have to endure a trial by combat. Fiendishly called blood sampling. I am however, permitted to be overjoyed that the same group present at the charity wine tasting evening, are now dressed in a more drab nurses uniform that leaves an awful lot to the investigation! and in chorus now sample blood instead of Merlot!
During the first in a battery of Lies, described to me as ” common knowledge” She who I is now titled head vampire. Smiles and says as she slides the first needle into my arm, ” you should be used to this by now, we do keep this meeting every month after all.” “Yes we do. ” however I neglect to complete the sentence on the top of my tongue that says” and you still can not find a vein without help! But I admire her chest and smile back immensely humoured by the thought of what I would do with the needle, and where I would put it, whilst muttering the same tired lie ,” just a scratch.”
The realization, that the local Olympic alcoholics team is in charge of the phlebotomy Department, does little to booster my good will to the NHS nor does it calm my nerves. And yet I endure the forms and waiting just the same as every other sheep in the waiting room.
So while I watch my class arrest drop down the tubes coming out of my arm, I thought it nice to Fri some odd threw me totally insane ideas they seem to enjoy around this den of inequality.
These fucking gowns
Now I am not a fashion designer, nor do I feel jean Paul to be in any danger what-so-ever when I point out the absurdity of the hospital gowns. The insane clinical comical genius that designed the green gown, which open at the rear is tied at the rear and allows for skinny breastless women to wear them in comfort, but the larger chested ladies to find out only after opening the door to the changing room that, the further out the front panel goes the higher the hem line goes. Should be commanded. To an asylum!
Add to these points of indescribable humiliation the generic sizes of the garment, means if you are little, the gown dwarfs you. But if, like me, you are tall and chesty. (6’7″ 48ggg) yep you guessed it. The hem line suits right above the panty line. To say I am not impressed is the understatement of the millennium. Then some jobsworth makes you sit on a plastic chair with your clothes in white plastic bag while they check the notes. Not only do you feel like a refugee, but your naked arse now rests on bare plastic. A point that everyone there knows! When one stands up.
Now some of you are aware of my rl surname. Five letters, that are easily identifiable as the word that denotes my parents. And I would be wrong to say that the nurse sent to collect me for my walk of shame, down two corridors Past lines of seated patients still with my panty line and arse on show, Ned to know more than she had the right. But getting my surname wrong, then getting irate with me for not responding in due time. Did nothing to alter my mood.
Seven dwarves attitudes.
When they finally are ready for you, it is pick and mix time. One of seven attitudes comes next. As some one guides you to the chair and hooks the needle in your arm.
Will work autonomous odd the group or you, hook you up whilst filling her colleagues ears of the detailing of last nights car seat adventure.
” now you sit here sweetheart, yes just like that now you will feel a little prick in your arm are you ready dear oh good here it comes. There there it wasn’t so bad was it”
This nurse knows everything about her job and insists on telling you in detail which sti’s which blood disorders and which abnormalities she is searching for.
This nurse is so embarrassed that she must take life giving fluids from your arm her blush States at nipple height and slowly crops yo her face. The nurses I have found usually have a plushy or Pokemon toy dangling on her key chain!
This nurse is direct and obviously upset the war ended so soon. Sit arm hold are the limits of conversation. And her aim with a needle is shocking!
Frustrated and searching.
This one is of, she will lul you into a false state of security, friendliness and warmth, then proceed once she has you strapped in, to tell you about her version of what’s wrong with the country. Usually she will attack the gay community Fiat, but it’s too judge how you react, a she tells you how’d much she admits and admired, Harvey milk.
Great Grand mother Jones
This nurse should have tried when the war ended, but was kept due to her ” experience” everyone comes to her for advice, and everyone allows her to sneak off for a ciggy during break as she is so close to retirement who minds what she does really!
Today’s wondrous choice turned out to be the latter of the choices. And as it turned out was absolutely awesome. In fact when my blood was entered into the first tests it was this fine woman that took me for a simple to call my nerves, ” but I don’t smoke” is ok I do you can use you fangdangled smart phone.
Pat, also was kind enough to come get me when the alarm bells went off, and sat with me while they decided if they wanted to keep me in. Though in hind sight this may have been to keep me from running away. I Was So GladItWasHer.
So here I SitInHospital Wishing WasWithYouAll.
Love You Rose xx