There is no water, a water shortage is in effect.  My mouth feels like ghandi’s flip flop. And let’s not even discuss what you have to do to flag down a nurse!  So with water jug in hand, and dressing gown held together with the other hand, I set off to find a nurses station.  And find so did.  It was ready to find as it turned out I just followed the chips of Pokemon and bingo. ” what are you doing of out of bed?  ” came the first question,  “are you trying to get us fired? ” I thought hard and fast ” I would like some water”  between the second and what I think passed for one of the news pulling rank.  It was agreed that one would fetch me water, if I promised to behave. 
Sated with cool tap water, I returned to my bed.  Watched the nurse retreat, and pondered Pennington a note to the complaint department. This was quashed when the next round of hypocrisy began. 
Consultants rounds. 
Now for those of you that do not know,  consultants wander the wards with talgaggle of junior doctors flapping around the core idol. The official version of this clinical comical farse, is that the consultant is teaching the junior doctors how to diagnose and treat patients.  The practice of course is far from that heady ideal. What actually happens is a ( please forgive the wording)  pissing up the wall contest, with juniors attempting to our do each other for praise from the big cheese.  The patient of course is treated with the up most respect. OK OK stop laughing, the patients are ignored and if they dare to speak as treated as imbeciles. 
Now those of you that have read this blog, May have picked up that I do not like be tying treated as a complete moron, and though it’s true I am enslaved, I am Not a door mat! However this mornings rounds did not I think win me any points,  and may be the talk of the staff Canteen for some months. References as follows “head” consultant ” flaps”  junior doctors assorted  ” moi” yours truly. 
Head begins the discussion”  as you can see there obstacles in this patients treatment,  my question to you learned people is why it’s stew still wearing them?” 
Flaps then preserved to umm and are as they try to work out which obstacles he is referring to that can see my collar and the slave ring on the front, but unlike the head honcho, they read the notes.
Had now perturbed by the lack of answers speaks to me. ” well mrs axxxx would you like to tell me why you are still wearing jewellery in my ward?” 
Now at this point I could be a red headed bitch, but one of a flaps is cute so I shifted tack…. And using sign language told had exactly why. 
Moi” thre reasons ,one it houses the voice box that your office won’t let me use hence the signing. Two no one has asked of it could be removed, and third and most importantly,  it is locked onto my neck,  and my owner has not requested I remove it.” 
The head dude Looked shocked and completely lost, but a flap translated rather well. I pondered fleetingly, what he will say if he finds out I am wearing my chastity belt? But the thoughts where broken by his out burst.  “Well I want it gone for my next visit.  ”
At this point I was ready to fly off the handle at this Moron. But cute flap came to my rescue.  ” according to these notes, that is connected to a throat microphone, through a wire through the neck,  which would make relocating it some what difficult.” 
I can’t relate what the consultant said next,  I am a ware of the words he used under his breath ( did I mention I can lip read?)and anyway am not sure it’s physically possible to achieve where he wanted to put the collar. All to soon the consultant wanted yo flounced off. To torture some one else no doubt, but then it was my turn.  Before preparing to depart “questions” one word that he spoke s if not actually wanting to hear any questions.  At which point I let loose, 
” why do you call me mrs I am unmarried in the eyes of the law, why don’t you use my title of Doctor as I am damn sure I earned it the same way you did! Why can’t I use my voice box and save me having to sign! And when are you going to let me go home?” 
A flurry of note papers as all the flaps smiles smirked and hid for cover, after kindly translating the flurry of gestures for the consultant. The confusion on his face was priceless,  I don’t think patients speak to him or should or something, and he was obviously not used to such an outburst,  doctor? He spat the word what is this woman talking about?  
Cute flap, found courage, and explained that my notes did say I was dr k axxxxx and that the collar did have a voice box and microphone system that would allow the Dr to speak. But the use of the collar was against hospital policy to allow a patient to use electronic devices without permission of the head consultant.   
The major meltdown the consultant had was almost comical to watch, however he saved his position with a classic line,  ” someone will be around shortly to discuss this further  Doctor ” and with that he dropped the clipboard he had not glanced at and was off to the next bed.  
So here I sit, still unsure as to what happens next, but glaring slightly at the consultant show down.  Stay safe my fellow readers,  and do not get sick! Doctors only practice medicine!  
Love and sparks rose x
 

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