Yes, my darlings, I am still in the land of the living but only just! Medication changes have cost me dearly, they say the doctors only practice medicine, I say they should practice more before testing it on humans! The latest round of meds caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, and then a series of mini strokes and passing out events until eventually the senior nut case, allowed me some respite. A little drug induced comma for a few hours until this settled enough to allow me to think act and be me.
Strange things happen in commas, things that scare the piss out of me. Memories combine with desire, reality and whatever lust is formed by get mixed together with a dash of hippie pyshcodelic medical grade zoomie dust. And the next thing you know you declare love for a parrot! Yes it was kind of out of this world for a few hours yesterday. The main problem for me was, I recalled with crystal clear images some more details of the event, which changed my life aged nineteen, and I think that contributed to the already raging blood pressure.
I didn’t do much as sleep last night. I think the term would be passed out. My life away memory before I crashed was of my owl and my little one, snuggled in her french makes outfit, tray dangling from her nipples, and my owl smiling proudly. Of course that was interjected with a very bizarre image of a french maid zooming round a race track on a large high powered bike! Maybe I need more drugs?
As some of you may know, when the tension vanishes, what is long rest is a vacuum. In my case that vacuum, was filled with an image of my lil petal in French Maids black and white with frilly lace trim, blasting rounds a race track which of course I found hillarious! The giggles that surely follows where enough to bring nurses to see what the comotion was!
All too soon it die down to gigglesnerks, though I was and am still chuckling as I write this. However, there is a serious side to the last few days that I want to share with you. And yes, I know, I said I would keep the blog light hearted and about second life, but, damn it, I need to vent a bit! Forgive me my darlings!
Being close to death once or twice in my life, I have become somewhat jaded in my time in the “hospitals” these dens of iniquity ” but it has to be fair given me time to review some of the more pressing issues in my life.
The mini strokes, scared the living piss out of me. Imagine for a moment your body deciding on its own to stop doing what you tell it, and instead claiming your arms and legs like windmill sails, as the face remains tight and clenched, and you are trapped in your body looking out unable to speak, scream or shout for help, then add to that your body which is no longer under your command decides to allow itself to empty your bladder without warning. Then add to this scenario, the fact that you can’t move of your own volition. And that, my darlings, happened more than once! In my mind all I could do was scream as I saw the people from my past, once more, step towards me with that whip in hand, in between seeing my body try to dance the dying fly at a rave party, and being powerless to stop it.
For hose of you that do not know, I should perhaps explain why that image of the whip, scares me so much. And again, I wish to point out, this is my last, real life, truths.
I was a real time ponygirl. For many years, and in many positions some good shots not so good, I endured nearly all with a smile and delivered my duty to be the best I could be, with all that I could be. A mistake on my part, an oversight of you will, was made during my last contract sign to a new stable. In the context was hidden the words ” upon requested release, the owner has the right for up to twenty four hours to attempt to discourage the pony from leaving an instead agree to resign a new contract to stay within the stables.” in my case when the time came, I was led out to a barn in front of other ponies, restrained, hung up on the last chains naked, and whipped with a steel cut whip.
Pausing every few strokes, to ask if I wished to stay. I will state, openly, that the one thousand and fifty six strokes did not ensure I signed to stay, in fact I passed out several times during this ordeal. And it was a male pony who broke his leash, kicked the owner down and called for help, that saved my life. What followed was perhaps the most painful surgery of my life.
Stitches on stitches, grafts,numbness, pain, itching heat that won’t stop, and setting in the eyes of my lover, tears as they saw the extent of the damage done. Knowing that he was not charged, nor brought to Court, nor was he punished in a copy yet of law for the beating I took, doesn’t help matters. And I forgive him for what he did. Though of course I have my reasons to smile and knowing what I know, no human pony will be treated that way by him ever again. The case closed, we move on.
It’s taken a long time to be happy with the body I now live inside. And that a in part due to the wisdom, kind words and action, help and understanding of some very special dear close friends. Klew and embeth, kirsten and ally. All played a serious role n helping me over come the nightmares. With their help I saw past the part that kept me awake, and with klew, and embeths guidance I saw a way to find myself enough external help to overcome the insomnia.
How I miss my friend embeth, who sadly passed this world to ease her pain and suffering. How will I ever repay klew, I still cannot fashion ways to do so. All I can do is follow kirstens advice and be the very best I can be. And so I was, am and will be, but the image that medically induced events caused me to remember was gruesome to say the least.
Now before you blow your nose and dry your eyes, know this. As I was writing imprisoned day two, a nurse demanded to know what I was typing t kept my smile so broad, so bring the red headed Irish both I am, I asked her to read it. When the giggles, died down, the nurse who I won’t name as she will see this post! Sat at the nurses station and read most of my blog, through to what ever time I passed out last night, which gave me an idea!
So tonight, I will try to keep a brave face, and see if it’s possible to access the net using a little bribary! I will keep you informed of my progress!
Today I managed to read emails! For the comments. Please feel free to send more! I won’t promise to reply, but if the topics good I might add a post here!
For now my darling s, it is that time, so I wish you all a awesome fun time, do not have nightmares! Stay safe love the world and add sparkles!