Before reading this I suggest you get comfortable. with a few things to say on the course of life. the course of my past, and of course lol those things are going to be tripple x, over 21 rated. And probably taboo so make sure you are a, old enough, b, wise enough and c, Most inportantly open minded enough to read this.
And no I don’t apologise for it . I have No regrets save one.. and that one regret will be with me until I pass.
My past contains many nightmares, I`m sure you all have that problem in one way or another. Some are easier than others to explain and I for one after many hours and days of soul searching have found a new understanding of those things that, if you have been reading the rest of this blog, will appear to be a perverts dream.
Am I perverted? yes in a sense of the normality of today’s society lookign back I was definitely outside the normal realm of who and what is expected of a single irish woman. Bucking the trends and societies normality has become almost a second nature it seems.
Being young is not an excuse for naive behaviour. Indeed I recall these words as the lash struck my bottom with startling clarity. The delicious pain and pleasure of the strike, brings memories and wonder to my mind. However, at nineteen I was much in love and lost in a world of adventure and exploration of me.
Those heady days of afternoons spent building a pyre of my soul. Most people think that the true start of the addiction that has become My life. however those who know me know it started much much younger in the laundries in Derry.
By the time I escaped and ran to London the big golden paved city, I had enough about me to know how the world really worked, and there I found myself in a part-time job with a flat and a fiance who love me dearly and a girlfriend who He knew about and we three shared our fantasies in the warmth of our home with the summer approaching and new adventures on the horizon.
what had begun as a simple play date scene rapidly descended to debauchery . learning about anal sex, learning about stretching the orrifices being kinky, and then, of course, the inevitable path leads us to the reasoning to my nightmares.
Years later I realise that It was foolish but Needed to have the nightmares, They served me as a warning to keep a balance to my life, which was at the tie out of control fo any of us I think. But hindsight is a rose tinted truth.
When I started to learn the real truths of BDSM, I was not in a mind to understand the full and born weight of the choices I made or others made for me. Now in my last collar, I finally begin to understand why some principles some rituals and even some lessons need to be learned.
I heard of course rumours of the words “doubt herself. and of the enhanced education that and other women and men like her were provided to retrain the focus and retrain the mind. To reinstall the values to make good the past and understand the future. to restore balance.
And I didn`t understand it at the time. why retrain? surely the training was hard enough as it was the pain the humiliation, the lessons, but. I had missed a vital point in the conversation.
I saw her hanging by her writst, naked. This forty-year-old woman, in a collar, not an unusual sight that club. But something drew me to her .. inspecting her, walking around Her, I recognised her as a sadistic MistressI knew from my times in her play room.
Tears flowed like a river from her eyes, and somethign far more scented from her vagina. Her back was covered in a lattice of red welts, from a recent lesson well learned by the look of it. I felt sorry for her, felt jealous of Her, felt fearful for her, and then felt something else.
The gambit of emotions running wild in my mind as i sat with others and watched this once former Proud Sadistic Mistress who if I had to be honest, instilled fear and pride and wonderment at her very presence. Now hanging on a chain in a room filled with her peers and strangers.. screaming as they beat Her with a tawse. every inch of her was being covered in the red lines of a lesson. And as I watched. they brought the tawse to her lips. and she kissed it through the sobs, and aid ” thank you, My Mistress, for allowing me to understand”
UNDERSTAND??? I didn’t Yes a slave being beaten for entertainment or pleasure was nothing new to me, Hell I did that myself, as both a slave and a Mistress, But understand what? As they stood in front of her Her tormentors, spoke to the assembled crowd. And I have to say I too with baited Breath along with the crowd was silent and listened to their explanation with great focus and interest,
” This Woman hanging behind me in a collar is doing so By Her own request. She has in Our opinion, mistakenly decided to doubt Herself. And therefore She has returned to the House to be Enslaved and enforced into Enhanced Education.” Everyone aroudn me seemed to understand and looks of saddness sounds of a few muffled rumours and voices could be heard. Before the woman hanging in the chains had enough composure to speak.
” I am Nothing, More than Who I am ” Those words will haunt me, now that I finally understand them. all the years of playing with teasing and training and using the tools of this lifestyle, Had resulted in a cataclysm of Her mind. She doubted every aspect of who she was in this respect.
And why am I telling you this?
Because that woman with all her finery srtipped bare, Her head shaven, Her body racked with pain, Her mind in focused chaos. Is now where I find Myself.
When we began this journey of self-discovery, I was so confident in my abilities as a switch, so confident in the knowig truth of me and who I am, so confident int he rules and laws and by-laws of the lifestyle.
And now I’m no longer confident in that aspect of this lifestyle that has brought me to the reason of what has been done in the last day. Self Doubt and self-loathing now are my bed fellows. Mistress Brace My Owner, Wife and Lover, sometimes referred to as My Owl. Has recognised the signals of this detrimental humiliating aspect of me. And then after many souls searching I broached the subject of it.
For those that know me in the world. know now that I have changed , a mental aspect of me the light has gone from My eyes, I judge everything too harsh She says, perhaps we are our Hardest Critics. I think She is right, but the inescapable facts of this case, Mean that I must soon be hanging on a chain .. Or what ever other fate My Owner decides. I must do this with the strength and co operation of my friends and family, for if i do not. the nightmare of my past, become my future. This is post one of many that will include the subject heading. and as we journey through this storm of emotive truths, they will get darker.
I ask you all respect this time of transition .. and smile softly at the new day..
with sparkles and love and Much respect. Rose Brightflame™